Depression Talk

One of the annoying things about having depression is that the word “depression” is used fopr many different things. If you say you have depression, the person listening might think you mean one thing when you mean something else. Until we can shake up the language of depression a bit, we’re going to have to cross our fingers that people know about the types of depression.

Momentary Sadness

This is the least severe type of depression and does not need any medical treatment. It’s a very strong emotion that happens due to grief, shock, bad news or change in medication. There is a direct cause and when that cause changes, the depression goes away. This can last anywhere from an hour to a couple of months.

Clinical Depression

Now we get into nastier territory that does require medical treatment. Clinical depression has undergone some name changes over the years. Many doctors now refer to it as “major depression”. This is when feeling sad, hopeless and tired just does not go away. There are days that are worse than others, but for the most part you are on a perpetual downer. There does not have to be a direct cause to set the symptoms off.

Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder)

Made famous by the Jimi Hendrix song and what people with clinical depression are often accussed of having. This is a very severe mental disorder that can be crippling to the sufferer. You go through two cycles — being manic and being depressed. The manic cycles are where you are so bursting with energy that the planet can’t hold you. You do very harmful things to yourself, your financies and your future. And then, you crash.

Seaonal Depressive Disorder

Known as SAD, appropritately enough, this is where you have the symptoms of clinical depression — but only during winter. You do need to see the doctor about this type of depression, too.

Post Partum Depression

What Tom Cruise claims doesn’t exist, but most certainly does. This happens to women after they’ve given birth. The good news is that we know more about post-partum depression than ever before and it does usually go away. You do still need to see a doctor about it, because it can be incredibly intense, even with thoughts of murdeing the baby.

There are many shades in between of these broad types of depression. For example, the clinical depression that I have is endogenous recurring depression. It means I’ve got the blues all of the time for no known reason.

Spike Milligan was arguably the largest influence on comedy in Western civilization. The main writer of the wildly popular BBC radio show The Goon Show, his brand of surreal humor would go on to teach a whole generation how to be funny in the midst of calamity through his bastard step-children, Monty Python’s Flying Circus. The actual epitaph on his gravestone reads, “I told you I was ill.” He was considered a genius as well as being extrememly funny.

And he was also bipolar.

If anyone would know how to survive through depression — including manic depression, which is just about the worst type of depression to mankind — it would be Spike Milligan. Depression and How to Survive It (1994) is mostly written by his doctor, Anthony W. Clare, but also contains large patches authored by Milligan or transcribed from interview tapes.

Not Funny

Even though Milligan was the comdeic genius of the millenium, don’t expect any laughs with this book. It is a grim but very through account of what it’s like to suffer from manic depression. Even if you don’t have manic depression and “merely” have clincial depression, you can still learn a lot, including tidbids about Milligan’s dealings with the late great Peter Sellers.

This is a serious look at depression as it was in 1994 — which isn’t all that much different than how it is today. Particularly enlightening is how depression is described by peple who live in Asian cultures, who refer to it in terms of physical and mot emotional symtpoms. There is a lot of small print, endnotes and references, but you don’t have to read every dingle itty-bitty word inorder to get the gist.

Overall

I read this book when I lived in England — and Spike Milligan was still alive and giving out pithy quotes. I could only borrow it a week — and that wasn’t long enough to get through it throughly. Parts of the book are so grim that you might feel even more depressed than before you read them.

You don’t need to read the book in order. You can skip around and read bits of it here and there and still not loose the plot.

What struck me the most was that this genius, honored in his lifetime, thought of himself as a total failure. I think a lot of people can relate to that.

When you know you’re not wanted, that can make you depressed, stressed or intensify an already depressive condition. This can happen to misunderstood classes of people such as homosexuals and minorities. Well, if you live in England, you have a reason to be just a little more cheerful. There is finally a job you can apply for where you won’t be discriminated against.

You can be a spy.

M15 Wants You!

The UK’s M15 spy network is legendary, thanks in part to writers like Ian Fleming, John le Carre and Grahame Greene. Pretty much some of the only requirements are that you:

• are a UK citizen
• are proficient in at least one language (preferably British English, but they’ll probably haggle)
• have lived in the UK 9 of the last 10 years
• are at least 18 years old
• be willing to have your background and credit checked
• be willing to go through drug tests
• like working as part of a team
• can keep your mouth shut

When you have any type of depression (clinical depression or the “blahs”) it can be really hard to find a job, let alone a job worth finding. If you work for M15 — even not as a spy, but as an IT professional, CCTV surveliance monitor or administrative assistant — you not only get a steady wage, but benefits.

However, you probably will be fired immediately if you do a James Bond impersonation on the job.

Lie Back And Think of England

It may seem odd to American readers, but homosexuals could not work for the UK governement until the 1990’s and not for M15 until now. This was because it was assumed that gays and lesbians would be more suceptable to blackmail.

But how about if you are a clinically depressed gay Brit? Would you still be hired, even though you have the desired sexuality and handle all of the other requirements? This depends. Although literature and pop fiction is chockerblock full of depressed spies, the actual spies are still tight-lipped about what ailments are permitted in the M15 realms and what aren’t.

The M15 has been quietly recruiting minorities for a few years and also has been hiring some disabled people. But perhaps they feel the need to infiltrate the words of fashion, interior design and cross-dressing clubs. In such a dire need, perhaps they will accept clincially depressed gay minorites.

Man, there are days I really wish I was still living in England. Maybe I could have faked being gay. Americans count as minorities in the UK, right?

Earlier this week, we looked at whether talk therapy was on the way out. Somebody who did go to talk therapy was British singer/songwriter Peter Gabriel. Although Peter has not been diagnosed with depression or bipolar depression (as has been often rumored), he does get down in the dumps. One particularly bad episode was in 1988 after his seperation and subsequent divorce from his wife of nealy twenty years, Jill. (Sorry girls (and guys), but Peter has since remarried. And his current wife is younger than I am, but we’ll skip on to the next paragraph, shall we?)

In many interviews, Peter has touted the merits of going to a therapist. We have our cars inspected yearly, so why not our heads?

Peter has a particularly brilliant gift for describing very complex emotions and storylines. He’s also gifted in singing, playing music and matching visual images to music, but he probably would not like me to describe him as “gifted” or “a genius” in such areas. In many interviews, he claims that if you work hard enough at a particular job, you’ll finally be good at it…even if the job is being a rock star.

“Digging in the Dirt” originally came out on Peter’s 1992 album Us. There have been many live versions floating around ever since.

Enjoy.

Last time, we looked at a study that concluded that more than half of college and university students contemplate taking their own lives. The study also noted that many students who did feel suicidal never talk to anyone about those feelings. I also talked a little bit about my own suicidal feelings when I was in Millersville University. This post, we’re going to look at ways you can spot a college family member or friend as being suicidal.

You especailly want to pay attention to any peculiar behavior when you know that they have been diagnosed with depression or if they have just started taking anti-depressants or anti-seizure medication. Some medications will trigger sudden suicidal thoughts which go away a week or so after the medication is stopped.

And if you are a college student, then you want to look at these signs to see if you may need to reach out for help.

Signs of Suicidal Behavior

• Suddenly giving away posessions
• Avoiding contact with others as much as possible
• Talking about death, even in a joking way (unless the person has always done that)
• Loss of interest in everything
• Loss of interest in things that usually got them very excited
• Stays in bed all of the time or not at all

What Can You Do?

Ultimately, the decision as to whether to attempt suicide is going to come down to the individual. But you can help nudge the suicidal person in the “live” direction by doing a few things, such as:

• Not leaving the person alone
• Getting them to talk about anything
• Listening to them and paying attention when they do talk
• Encouraging them to eat without strapping them down and force-feeding them
• If they do talk about suicide, ask them who would most likely be the first person who would find them and what their reaction might be
• If worse comes to worse, call an ambulance

Helplines

There are many websites you can go to get more information about suicidal behavior and trying to get help when everything looks really bleak. Some places include:

Hope this helps.

I’ll freely admit it — I tried to commit suicide when attending Millersville University. Obviously, I screwed it up. That was way back in 1990, long before I would ever become the Prozac Poster Child that I am today. The pressure I was under was amazing — but it wasn’t from my courses. They were the easy part. The pressure was from my clinical depression.

It fueled a constant fear that I was screwing my life up being an English major. What if being an English major turned out to have been a dumb choice? I was so scared of picking a major, that I let my Mom pick my major.

If you remember nothing else from this post, remember this — choose ANY other major but English.

The Study

Seems that not much has changed for the average college student since 1990. A study done by the University of Texas in Austin reports that about half of all of the college and university students they talked to had suicidal thoughts. And they didn’t just survey a handful — they talked to about 26,000 students in over 70 institutions of higher learning.

Among the findings:

• In a college of 18,000 students, about 1080 will “seriously” think about killing themselves suring the course of one year.
• About two-thirds will think about killing themselves more than once in that year.
• Five percent were brave enough to admit that they had tried to kill themselves at some point in their lives.

Other findings, straight from the source. The emphasis is mine:

Why College?

You’re under a complex series of hammer-blows while in college. First off, you’re not eating and sleeping regularly, so that’s going to accentuate any depression you may have. Also, you’re under a massive finacial burden that will be with you for the next fifteen years or so. For example, I was told point-blank by my parents that I had to get a degree in four years, because our family couldn’t afford for me to go another semester. (Somehow, I received an Associate’s and a Bachelor’s in four years. Yes, I was scared.)

Another pressure is that you are mourning the last remains of your childhood. That’s hard to give up, even if you had a bad childhood. You are expected to be the dull, boring grown-up you swore you’d never be.

This and many more pressures can cause suicidal thoughts in college students, even the night before graduation.

One of the ways that you can help manage your depression is through various kinds of talk therapy, such as psychotherapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy. Under many health insurance policies or government-funded mental health policies, you have to talk to psychiatrist in order to be allowed to get medication. The classic image we have of talk therapy is lying on a couch for fifty minutes babbling away while your doctor takes a nap.

But a study done by John Hopkins University in Baltimore, MD shows that long talk therapy sessions may be a quaint idea from the past. Because of insurance companies and government programs, ten to fifteen minute prescription consultations are now the norm. You basically talk about how the drugs are doing and if there is a topic of express concern and then out you go.

Your Fifiteen Minutes Are Up

Some people with clinical depression can benefit from short sessions. I happen to be one of them. For two years, I was on a Pennsylvania state funded assistance program before I could get finacially back on my feet. I had one fifty minute initial session and then the rest were ten minute prescription sessions. I loved them, and not just because they were short.

Having only ten minutes to focus on the past month help me sort out the real problems that needed my psychiatrist’s attention. I wasn’t tempted to ramble on and on about my problems, working myself into a frazzle. I now do not go to a psychiatrist, but get my prescriptions from my regular doctor.

But my experiences are not everyone’s. There are definitely people who need a far longer session than I apparently did.

Better Marketing

There are still psychiatrists who will do longer sessions, but you are going to have to look harder for them. Even the American Psychiatric Association has a committee dedicated to making psychiatrists more interested in psychotherapy than talk therapy.

I might not have a medical degree, but it doesn’t seem to be a good sign that psychiatrists need to be convinced of the benefits of psychotherapy.

With higher bills everywhere, the pressure is on psychiatrists to do a high turn around. This means they have to get through as many patients they can in a day. Also, Big Pharma always shows up at their offices pushing the latest drugs. It can seem easier all around to just try the drugs first, then see if psychotherapy is needed. Perhaps psychotherapy needs to hire an advertising department.

This is the usual reaction people get when they reveal that they are clinically depressed. Personally, I think it should be a law that if anyone asks you that and you have diagnosed by a doctor with depression, then you should be allowed to punch any idiot who says this right in the mouth. (Opinions like these are probably why I never got into law). They might as well ask a cancer patient, “What have you got to be sick about?” Same question — different illness.

It’s Not Your Fault That You Have Depression

Clincial depression or bipolar disorder (another kind of depression) are still often thought to be character flaws or punishment from God about some misdemeanor you did in your past. I used to go to a strict Christian school where you were screamed at for being a sinner and not trusting in God enough should you happen to slip up and admidt you were feeling depressed. I graduated from that school in 1987 and I hope they still don’t take that appraoch with their students, but you never know. People hate to change cherished beliefs. For example, I came across this debate on Helium, “Bipolar Disorder: Illness or Excuse?”

We do not know why some people get clincially depressed or get anixety disorder or get bipolar disorder. We do know that it seems to run in families, but how did those families get in the first place? One thing for sure is that depression doesn’t come about because you are somehow “bad”.

It Is A Mental Illness

Clinical depression and it’s bretheren are illnesses of the brain function, thought to be problems in the brain’s chemistry. But, due to the stigma associated with mental illnesses, many people who don’t have clinical depression asssume that all people with mental illnesses need to be locked up and are incurably dangerous.

Clinical depression is a mental illness, but many people with it can still function in society, holding down a job, paying the bills, whatever. It is not because we woke up one day and thought, “I know what. I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life!”

Depression isn’t a choice. It’s an illness. And, oftentimes, a manageable one. So, you do have something to be depressed about, even when others can’t see it.

There’s a very deadpan but funny animated series on YouTube by Lev Milnaz called “Tales of Mere Existence”. The one I’m recommending is “How to Cope with Depression”. For those of you familiar with “Tales of Mere Existence”, you will already know that the title is ironic.

One thing that is oh, so true is that not only will your family most likely also be as depressed as you are, but that you discover that far more people are more insane than you are. You can hug that knowledge to your chest at night like a teddy bear.

However, the film is a brilliant portrayal of why people with clinical depression don’t like to talk about it or feel as if they are aliens from another planet. This can make you even more isolated and withdrawn, which intensifies your symptoms of depression. So, the moral of the story is, “People suck.”

Uhh, well, no, I guess that’s not the moral, but it does give you comfort in knowing that you are not the only alien on this planet with depression.

(Mild warning: this video has adult language in it.)

Even in years when the Olympics aren’t going on, we are still often exhorted to “Go for the gold” and “follow your dreams”. The media is often full of real life (and fantasy) stories to inspire us to go further, dare more and be extra-special.

This is a lot of pressure that those of us with depression just do not need. The best we can hope for in a day-to-day basis is to strive to be average. Just doing everyday chores and routines that the non-depressed take for granted is often next to impossible for the clinically depressed. Just getting out of bed can be a hurculean task. So, in this way, we clinically depressed should not get down on ourselves for being extraordinary, but should praise ourselves whenever we can do something average.

The Idea of Averageness

I wish I could say that I came up with the idea of striving for averageness, but that would be a blatant lie. The person who best expressed the idea of averageness as a shining goal was one of the idead of the founder of Recovery, Inc Dr. Abraham A Low.

Dr. Low hoped to give what was called “nervous patients” the mental training to help them change their thoughts and try to stay calm in everyday situations. Back in the 1940’s and early 1950’s, there wasn’t any Prozac for “nervous paitients” (who would today be called clinically depressed) In order for a petient to get medical treatment, they usually had to go into shock therapy (usually insulin shock therapy as opposed to electric shock therapy).

Get The Sports Announcer In Your Head

When you have clinical or major depression and even bipolar depression, you certainly need to take your medicines. But you also need to be aware of the thoughts in your head. With depression, you tend to think, “It’s no use. I’ll never be any good.” This needs to change.

You need to get a pretend Olympic sports announcer in your head to help encourage you to try and be average. “She’s been slammed by a bad childhood and a backed up sump pump, but she knows she has to get up and go to work. Can she do it? Well, she’s moving into position and swining her legs out of bed. I think she’s gonna go for it, folks! Yes, yes, she’s putting on clothes in record time! Just take a look at that form!”

Well, maybe you shouldn’t have that annoucer in your head all the time, but on some days when being average can take all of your energy, it can help. When you can do regular activities, it makes it that much easier to try and reach for your dreams.

Are you depressed? Or are you not sure? Or perhaps you are worried that your friend or family member has depression. And, again, I’m not talking about feeling sad — I’m talking about clinical depression, which is a disease and needs prompt medical treatment. It doesn’t go away on it’s own.

These symptoms are not the only symptoms of depression, but are the most common.

Physical Symptoms

• Lots of aches and pains, including headaches
• Sleeping all of the time or not being able to sleep at all
• Constant fatigue (not suprisingly)
• Lack of appetite or uncontrollable appetite
• Sudden weight gain or loss
• Lack of attention to personal hygene or becomes obsessively clean

Emotional Symptoms

Sometimes, doctors and therapists will list these symptoms along with physical symptoms, but other doctors and therapists will prefer keeping them seperate.

• No interest in things that used to get the person exicited
• Difficulty making decisions, even the smallest decisions like what to eat for lunch
• Mood swings
• Thinks about committing suicide or even, “Wouldn’t the world be better off if I were dead?” Thinking this once in your life isn;t alarming, but dwelling on it for weeks on end is a little unhealthy
• Sees no point in doing anything — even having a good time
• Refuses all minor suggestions for how to make their life better or easier, such as suggesting what they could eat for lunch

Which leads to another problem, refusing to realize or admit that they are depressed. There is something really insidious with clinical depression as you are convinced that you are the only person in the universe that has ever suffered like you are suffering. Either that, or you’re convinced that God made you in order to use you as His/Her/Its practical joke. (Or, like me, I had both feelings). I was also afraid of being thrown into a looney bin and having all of my freedoms taken away.

And, quite frankly, I was absolutely terrified at how much getting help would cost. I had to become homeless in order to finally accept help. Hopefully, you won’t have to go through a similarly hard lesson in order to get help.

Anyone can get depression, no matter what their finacial status or their physical health.  Keep in mind, I’m not talking about feeling very sad, as the word “depression” is sometimes used.  I’m talking about clinical depression, which is a disease.  It was once listed in the 1980’s as an incurable disease by the New England Journal of Medicine.  Now, doctors, therapists and depression sufferers themselves feel hopefull that they can feel better. 

Say Hello To Shawn Andrews

One of the most recent celebrities to come out and admit that they have depression and need help for it is a forward for the Philadelphia Eagles, Shawn Andrews.  Less than a month before the first pre-season game, Andrews has asked for a leave of absense in order to deal with his depression.  His team, including coach Andy Reid, has been very supportive.  However, becuase depression is not considered a good enough reason to miss training camp, he is being fined $15,000 per day that he does not show up for training camp.  Andrews says his mental health is more important than money. He did return to training camp on August 11.

Another reason that Andrews decided to go public with his depression is that he hopes people who have depression will go get help and not think they have to handle it all on their own.  He also wanted to get help to be there for his son. 

So, if a well paid, athletic and successful father can come down with depression, so can anyone.  Getting depression is not a character flaw or proof that someone is “crazy”.  Personally, I think it’s crazy to work out in the August heat at Eagles training camp, but I’ve been told that’s a different kind of crazy. 

When Do You Get Depression?

This is one of the mysterious things about depression.  There certainly seems to be evidence that depression runs in families.  For example, both sides of my family have been diagnosed with depression.  However, you can also go bipping along through life until one day the depression has you.  I personally thing I’ve had depression sice the womb, but many others don’t develop painful and debilitating symptoms until puberty or their twenties or even later.

In conclusion, don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re depressed or having suicdal thoughts.  Your doctor won’t be shocked and you won’t be locked up in a mental ward ala One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.  You would go get help if you broke your arm, wouldn’t you?  Well, depression is a physical illness that needs equally prompt treatment.

Greetings, Gentle Readers:

My name is Rena Sherwood and I’m taking over Depression Talk from Amanda.  I don’t know how Amanda is doing or if she will come back to this blog.  I do hope she is OK.  I also write for Dealing With Headaches, which is also on the 451 Press blog network. 

My Qualifications (Ha!)

Although I am not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV) I have suffered from endogenous recurring depression since the womb.  And some days, the depression has me.  All of my family have it and I have bumped into many people in two countries who have it.  I am just a regular person with a knack for writing that has the same questions about depression just like anyone else.  I offer advice and sympathy but I cannot dispense drugs or medical advice.

Joomy did an interesting post on taking a break this week, one that I read with fervor, because man, I really know what its like to need a frickin’ break.

I don’t know why, but I never feel really, truly good about myself unless I’m busy, busy, busy. I like to have a goal for each day, and I like to achieve it, and if I don’t feel good about the day, I feel as though I haven’t reached my full potential for that day.

I have this terrible habit of finding something to do, and then adding to it, and then adding some more to it just for the hell of it. Good times, all round.

Last fall was perhaps certainly the worst episode with depression I’ve ever had. I spent months desperately trying to pretend like I was happy when I spoke with others or when I wrote on my blog. The guilt that accompanies serious depression is perhaps one of the worst parts of it, for me at least. I always feel that I have everything in my reach to have a complete, happy, and full life: yet, occasionally I fall into the depths of despair and there is nothing that can get me out of it. Nothing.

Perhaps it was the fact that I lost my Grandfather rather traumatically, in a drawn out illness that took him away from us but kept him alive for a long period of time. Perhaps it was that my brother was sent on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan, and that I couldn’t get him or his wife and child out of my mind. Perhaps it was that I lived with someone who I truly felt was going out of her way to make my life miserable, to make my home completely unsanitary and odiferous. Perhaps it was the fact that I was taking six university courses, working twenty hours, drinking alcohol in my spare time, and cut myself off from the world because I didn’t feel that I had the energy to cope with human interaction.

Believe it or not, I somehow managed to not be depressed through my father’s slew of medical tests after a couple scary episodes, through my mother’s diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer, my moving back home, one of my closest friends’ diagnosis with MS, and the final breakup with Dubai Guy. I blame that on drugs. Lots and lots of drugs, the good ones that keep the happiness in my brain floating around being happy.

But I digress. I think one of the most important ways to deal with depression is to recognize your own limits: You need to be able to find that perfect balance between busy enough to keep you from sitting on your couch thinking you’re useless, but not so busy that you lose sight of yourself, your goals, your life, and most importantly, your sanity.

I feel really well lately, I feel as though I’m on top of my game and ready to take on the new challenges that my crazy job sends my way each and every day.

I drove into the city on Saturday evening, a trip that was sort of spur of the moment, but one that I needed nonetheless. I drove down the main streets of the city, looking at all the sights there are to see in the fresh six o’clock darkness now that the time has changed.

And I was overcome by how absolutely awful I felt last year at this very time.

I spent most of my time last year sitting on my balcony, drinking whatever my drink of the week was. I spent that time praying to God and to Orion, who’s belt I could see clearly almost every night. I thought that if I sent enough thoughts up to the two of them, I might be saved eventually.

I stayed at my good friend Mal’s house this weekend, and we did one of our favorite types of nights: Fat Kids Night. We ate copious amounts of food, drank Cosmopolitans, and watched bad television.

Fat Kids Night is a tradition that Mal and I started when I couldn’t face leaving the house, when I couldn’t put on clothing or makeup or face people. We would gather up supplies and sit at her house or mine, chain smoking and watching horror movies. And I said to Mal, as we both looked up at the hunter, Dude, do you know what a place I was in last year?

And she said, Yeah, And it’s really good to see you eating and laughing and being normal. Because last year, there were a number of times when Mal would create these dishes of home cooked food that were just so wonderful, and I just stared at the plate and cried.

I don’t know what caused me to spiral into that dark place last year, I don’t know why all of a sudden, I became this desperately unhappy person who people mostly just wanted to run away from. It scares me, that I became that person, because nothing terrifies me more than that. Nothing is scarier than thinking I could go back to living that way again, to feeling those feelings again.

I spend a vast majority of my time when I’m thinking about being insane worrying that it will become me again. And recently, I’m taking steps to avoid it, because I don’t think I can take it again, and I don’t think the people around me can take it again, either.